“Fête-i-quette”: a hybrid of party (en français) + etiquette.  It is our fresh, light-hearted, reinvigorated, 21^st century interpretation of age-old traditions.

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My husband and I were out to dinner this weekend and noticed several tables of dates (2 people at the table) where one or both of the parties were checking their cell phones during dinner.  When (if ever?) is it appropriate to check your phone when out with just one other person, date or not — platonic or not?  I think it’s a deal breaker for someone to check his phone while one-on-one, but what do I know?  Maybe this is a non-verbal way of telling the other person you’re not interested?  Or I guess this could be a convenient signal that things aren’t going well?

-What the cell?

Dear What-the-cell,

This sort of reminds me of being in middle school, when the teacher would catch two kids passing notes and ask if there was something that they wanted to share with the group.  Except here, it’s an adult (who should know better) and his/her email, facebook, or twitter account who are engrossed in a conversation that detracts attention away from its rightful recipient.

You’re right, texting, emailing, or whatever you’re doing with your phone while on a date basically translates into, ‘I don’t want to pay attention to you right now,’ ‘You’re not very interesting,’ or something of the like.  You might as well be reading a book.  The only exception is when it involves and/or directly impacts the company you are in: i.e. checking a movie time, sharing a funny email from your wacky boss, googling some obscure factoid to talk about because you are that dull and desperate for conversation material, or sending a text to your date to tell him/her that it isn’t going well (kidding…).  Just put the phone away, make eye contact, and (gasp!) engage.

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What’s making you fret?  Submit it to fête-i-quette: blog@nonpareilevents.com

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“Fête-i-quette”: a hybrid of party (en français) + etiquette.  It is our fresh, light-hearted, reinvigorated, 21^st century interpretation of age-old traditions.

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How can I tactfully change my RSVP to a wedding (or other event I guess) once I find out my ex is going?  Is it best to write a note, email, or make a phone call?  Is it just totally rude to change your RSVP at all?  Or, for event hosts, how do you let someone know their ex is invited/going to be there?

-Ex factor

Dear Ex Factor,

This is a touchy, personal subject, and should thus be handled as personally as possible.  I.e. texts and facebook posts won’t suffice.

If you are the host, just be upfront with both parties and tell them that because you are friends with both of them, both are invited.  Understand that this may result in one of them not attending.  Beats having one of them hurl a rented Riedel champagne flute at the other…

If you are the guest who needs to bail, be prepared for the couple to be offended.  They may think that their “big day” is paramount to your personal heartache, and that nothing should stop you from attending, except maybe losing a limb en route to the ceremony.  Whether that is right or wrong, you know yourself best and you have to weigh your options.  Will this set you back thousands of dollars in therapy, or can you pop a xanax and gracefully sport a faux smile when you run into the ex?  Your call.

To minimize the damage, show that you care about the couple enough to tell them in person, or call them (before you send your response card), and express why it would be too difficult for you to be in the presence of your ex.  Changing your response does get into “rude” territory, so you’d better execute that faux-pas as personally as possible: in person or phone call.  In either scenario, send a gift and be sure to invite them over for dinner when it’s all over so they can gush about the wedding and honeymoon.

Hopefully they will understand that it’s just a really hard time for you right now and you need to look after yourself.  If they don’t, you can always tell them that your ex sought a restraining order against you.  Oops!

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What’s making you fret?  Submit it to fête-i-quette: blog@nonpareilevents.com

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“Fête-i-quette”: a hybrid of party (en français) + etiquette.  It is our fresh, light-hearted, reinvigorated, 21^st century interpretation of age-old traditions.

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We did the honeymoon registry for our wedding.  Is that bad?  Some magazines said it was cool, but I don’t know.  We just didn’t need anything for our home, so we didn’t want tangible gifts.

-Plenty of Pots and pans

Dear Plenty of pots and pans,

Yes, that is fine, and it has become more popular over the years to have these sort of custom registries.  Some people even register for increments of a down payment on their home.

I understand.  I’m 30 and single.  I have finally given in, and started to purchase nice wine glasses (yup, they all match now!), a le crueset pot, and (finally!) a cuisinart food processor.  By the time I get married, I might have a fully stocked kitchen, so I could possibly go the same route.  In addition, I live to travel, and would love a fund to fuel my passion for seeing the world.  I’m currently drooling over pictures of South America, my next destination.  But I digress….

At the same time, the unconventional registries can have a negative connotation.  Some people question the end use of gifted funds, or think that couples who use these registries are tacky, money-grubbing, or too cheap to pay for their own honeymoon.  Personally, I would like to know that my gift actually paid for what I purchased.  Therefore, in your thank you note, mention the kayaking trip in New Zealand, the dinner in Paris, or whatever the specific gift was.  That way I would know that you didn’t just stay home and splurge on some Manolos.  Plus, I would get to live vicariously through your adventures

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What’s making you fret?  Submit it to fête-i-quette: blog@nonpareilevents.com

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“Fête-i-quette”: a hybrid of party (en français) + etiquette.  It is our fresh, light-hearted, reinvigorated, 21^st century interpretation of age-old traditions.

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I got married last year and my husband’s brother’s tacky girlfriend stole the show.  She has a hot (although, surgically enhanced) body and she wore an almost white dress that left little to the imagination.  My husband claimed not to notice, but I saw the gaping jaws and drool on the chins of male guests.  As a bride, can you tell guests what to wear, especially if they need help in the taste department?  I can’t do anything now, and I know this sounds silly, but I was hoping to be the center of attention at my own wedding.

-Eclipsed by tackiness

Dear Eclipsed by tackiness,

Are they getting married any time soon?  Maybe you can wear your wedding dress to her wedding to steal the spotlight back.  Just kidding.  Spite isn’t classy.  Besides, rest assured that you were the center of GOOD attention at your wedding.

Of course you didn’t think to tell your guests to wear more than a tissue to your wedding because 99.99% of us know better, and can properly determine what attire is appropriate, given the time of day, location, weather, etc.  Besides, you can’t really dictate what guests wear to your wedding; it’s not a themed costume party after all.  Only essential dress code requirements can be indicated on the invitation (“black tie” or “white tie” can be indicated on the on lower right corner, and only if the ceremony and reception invitations are combined).

To future brides: If you sense the potential for such a faux-pas, you can try the tactful pre-emptive approach: ask your fiancé’s brother’s tacky girlfriend if she has picked out a dress for your wedding.  When she excitedly tells you all about the sexy white number, hopefully she’ll get the message when the wave of shock and disgust washes over your face.  Depending on your relationship with her, her mental stability, and her motivation for said faux pas (malicious self absorption or general ignorance?) you can choose the appropriate path.  Would she take it well if you told her that wearing white to a wedding is in poor taste, or would the fiancé have better luck?  It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it!

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What’s making you fret?  Submit it to fête-i-quette: blog@nonpareilevents.com

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What’s making you fret?  Submit it to fête-i-quette: blog@nonpareilevents.com

Last year, my good friend got engaged, and then called off the wedding 3 months before the date.  Meanwhile, I and the other 4 best friends/bridesmaids had purchased our $300 hideous bridesmaid dresses and we were stuck with them.  Said friend then got engaged again to same guy 1 year later.  Now there is a whole new wedding party except for me, and the bride’s sister AND suddenly I have been appointed as the maid of dishonor.  Now we have new, different bridesmaid dresses, the wedding is to take place in a barn in the middle of no where, a 15 minute drive from any hotel, and there is no option for a bus, cab or shuttle from the wedding to town…disaster waiting to happen?  I think so!

AND–the bachelorette party is fully planned.  Friend was saying that it would be a small party with just 5 girls, but really it is becoming a full production of 15 random annoying girls.

AND–I have yet to see a wedding invite or save the date…and it’s a destination wedding 3 months away…and the bride just texted me for my address (I am the maid of honor and best friend, and have lived in the same place for 8 years!)  Worried for everyone else.  What can I do?!

Dear Maid of Dishonor,

Run.  FAST.  Get out while you can.  For the love of god this girl is a hot mess.

Seriously, sounds like your friend should have consulted us, but that’s a moot point now.  Your over-expenditure on two dresses seems to be the least of your worries now.  Your friend needs to get organized!

As a longtime friend, you are in the position to give her some stern advice…such as, ‘hey friend, how’s your Aunt Cassie with the hollow leg going to get home from the wedding?’  Or, maybe a little more blunt: ‘You need to send your invitations out or no one will come to your wedding’.  Common sense to the rest of us…  Good luck!

If you have to travel a long way for a wedding (fly, put yourself up, etc.), it is ever OK to skimp on or skip the gift?  I mean, the costs add up!

Dear Blue Traveler,

Yes.  Just because your friends are high rollers doesn’t mean you are too!  The bride and groom might think that they are doing you a favor by giving you the opportunity to travel to Maui…or Peoria, but they also have to understand that you are sacrificing a great deal to be there on their wedding day.  Your vacation days and your hard earned income (assuming you are one of the lucky ones to have a job in this economy) are clearly not limitless, nor is your expected financial expenditure for the sake of their union.

If the airfare and hotel room haven’t broken your bank, and you still have some cash to spare for a gift, it’s okay to opt for the coffee maker, as opposed to the Versace china place setting.  And if there is nothing reasonable on their registry that is within your means, do something small and thoughtful—e.g. customized his and her flip flops if it’s a beach destination, or a map and a compass for their Parisian honeymoon.  Above all, they should understand and appreciate that your presence is a present of the most meaningful sort.

A friend of mine rescinded the offer of bridesmaidship to a friend because she didn’t like the girl’s new haircut.  Ok, in this case the bridesmaid-to-be shaved her head and got kicked out of the wedding party.  Is this understandable or rude as hell?

Dear Blackballed for being Bald,

Let’s remember the purpose of a bridesmaid: to support the bride, be happy for her, help her to alleviate stressful moments, celebrate with her.  Along with that comes the aesthetic aspect of dressing the dictated part—the sometimes-dreaded dress, the shoes, the makeup, the hair, or in this instance the lack thereof.

As with so many other predicaments in life, it helps to examine people’s intentions, not just the action.  Could baldy have decided to shave her head to make a statement? Or maybe she was an eccentric type all along, and the bride should have been prepared for anything?  If it is an instance of the former, maybe it’s a good idea not to have baldy in the wedding party—the head-shave could just be a precursor to all sorts of wedding day shenanigans.  And perhaps there was an impending rift in their friendship that was brewing way before she busted out the clippers.  If it’s a case of the latter, know who your friends are, and choose to love them in spite of their style choices, or don’t and accept the consequences!

The seating area

The dining table

The dessert station

It was a fun process but we definitely had our challenges……..

We decided to shoot at an outdoor location and chose a park on Bay Street in San Francisco that was near Alexis’ apartment.  Alexis walked by the park early in the morning on the day of the shoot and it appeared as if a homeless person decided to have their own shoot that day.  Luckily, everything was cleared out before we arrived.

This is what Alexis saw-- almost unbelievable!!!

The second challenge was the wind…..it was really blowing!  Duck tape was our friend.

Heather, the caterer, prepared to grab objects in case of a wind gust.

Lydia, the florist, working on some last minute details

Alexis getting the bride's shoes ready to place in the seating area

We’d love you to check out our feature on Style Me Pretty and let us know what you think!

Question: I’m most bugged by RSVP etiquette or lack thereof.  People either never decide or they decide at the last minute causing a lot of uncertainty for the host.  On the other hand, sometimes you really don’t know what your plans are and then the proverbial maybe–is that better or worse?
Also, how many days before the event is appropriate to send invites-probably different for different event types?

-RSVPeaved

Dear RSVPeaved,

Remember when we didn’t have cell phones and email, and we had to do things like send paper invitations, or call the host (from your rotary phone perhaps?) to rsvp to a party?  And you HAD to honor your response because there was none of this technology to allow us to be so flaky, I mean flexible.  Evites have allowed us to be ambivalent because we don’t take them that seriously.  The virtual world has managed to diminish the sincerity of our actions, and has given us the latitude to be noncommittal.  Our reply can change with a whim and a click and ta-da!  Oh, something else has come up, well, I only clicked ‘yes’, so I don’t have to go to Martha’s Going Away Party.

For the frustrated host/ess:  We learned a young age that certain actions have inevitable bad results, and we didn’t even bother to tempt fate.  For example, if you don’t heed the warning on your hairdyer’s tag, and you use it in the bathtub, you’ll probably meet your demise.  If you stare at the sun you will go blind.  If you don’t wait 30 minutes after eating before you go swimming, you will get a massive, debilitating stomach ache.  Yet time after time, we refuse to embrace the fact that if you send an evite you will get “yes’es” that don’t show up, and “maybes” who are waiting for a better option, and then you will be annoyed.  When will we learn that trying to change people’s behavior is about as fruitless as trying to change the weather?  However, there is a way around this mountain.  We can try to guide our friends in the right direction by resetting the rules–a little good old fashioned passive aggression!  If you are taking the time to plan an event, and you want committed responses, take a little trip back in time, bust out the old pen and paper and send invitations in the mail.  You can still send a save the date email to alert your guests that a real invitation will arrive in their mailbox.  And for those really difficult ones who refuse to follow you back to the civilized 1980’s (so difficult!) you can send them gently-harassing follow-up emails, just to ‘make sure your invitation didn’t get mixed up in a pile of bills…or…something’.

Save-the-dates can also help to ameliorate the flake factor.  For a wedding or similar formal event, 6-12 months is preferable, especially if guests will have to travel.  Invitations can follow 6-8 weeks prior to the event, and be sure to ask that your guests reply by three weeks prior to the event.

For the flaky guest: If you are truly not sure if you can attend an event, decline as a courtesy.  There is nothing worse than an empty chair at the dinner table.  Keep in mind that if it is a catered affair, your friend is likely paying per person, so if you don’t show up, there goes $100!  But if the best case scenario happens and you can attend, let the host/ess know that things have changed and you’re so happy that you can make it but you also understand that it could throw a wrench in their carefully crafted and well-planned event.  Showing up at the last minute would be sort of awkward for all as your friend tries to wedge you in between the odd uncle and the awkward co-worker.

Why: As event planners, we advise clients on every aspect of an event, including etiquette, and the relentless effort to navigate their way through this gray area where tradition meets technology and our society’s changing rules and paradigms.  With the advent of email, facebook, twitter etc. we are more ‘connected’ to one another but also more disconnected and casual in our relationships, and everyday manners have gone by the wayside as we tag, tweet, comment and post our way through our virtual lives.  There is a demand for a reinterpretation of ‘the rules’ in this new age.

How: We are not Emily Post, nor are we trying to be.  And we may have a slip-up here and there–we are human after all.  But we certainly have our fair share of stories (delightful and horrific) to share.  So, be on the look out for our fete-i-quette posts, and be sure to submit your questions or experiences to blog@nonpareilevents.com