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“Fête-i-quette”: a hybrid of party (en français) + etiquette.  It is our fresh, light-hearted, reinvigorated, 21^st century interpretation of age-old traditions.

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How can I tactfully change my RSVP to a wedding (or other event I guess) once I find out my ex is going?  Is it best to write a note, email, or make a phone call?  Is it just totally rude to change your RSVP at all?  Or, for event hosts, how do you let someone know their ex is invited/going to be there?

-Ex factor

Dear Ex Factor,

This is a touchy, personal subject, and should thus be handled as personally as possible.  I.e. texts and facebook posts won’t suffice.

If you are the host, just be upfront with both parties and tell them that because you are friends with both of them, both are invited.  Understand that this may result in one of them not attending.  Beats having one of them hurl a rented Riedel champagne flute at the other…

If you are the guest who needs to bail, be prepared for the couple to be offended.  They may think that their “big day” is paramount to your personal heartache, and that nothing should stop you from attending, except maybe losing a limb en route to the ceremony.  Whether that is right or wrong, you know yourself best and you have to weigh your options.  Will this set you back thousands of dollars in therapy, or can you pop a xanax and gracefully sport a faux smile when you run into the ex?  Your call.

To minimize the damage, show that you care about the couple enough to tell them in person, or call them (before you send your response card), and express why it would be too difficult for you to be in the presence of your ex.  Changing your response does get into “rude” territory, so you’d better execute that faux-pas as personally as possible: in person or phone call.  In either scenario, send a gift and be sure to invite them over for dinner when it’s all over so they can gush about the wedding and honeymoon.

Hopefully they will understand that it’s just a really hard time for you right now and you need to look after yourself.  If they don’t, you can always tell them that your ex sought a restraining order against you.  Oops!

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What’s making you fret?  Submit it to fête-i-quette: blog@nonpareilevents.com

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“Fête-i-quette”: a hybrid of party (en français) + etiquette.  It is our fresh, light-hearted, reinvigorated, 21^st century interpretation of age-old traditions.

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We did the honeymoon registry for our wedding.  Is that bad?  Some magazines said it was cool, but I don’t know.  We just didn’t need anything for our home, so we didn’t want tangible gifts.

-Plenty of Pots and pans

Dear Plenty of pots and pans,

Yes, that is fine, and it has become more popular over the years to have these sort of custom registries.  Some people even register for increments of a down payment on their home.

I understand.  I’m 30 and single.  I have finally given in, and started to purchase nice wine glasses (yup, they all match now!), a le crueset pot, and (finally!) a cuisinart food processor.  By the time I get married, I might have a fully stocked kitchen, so I could possibly go the same route.  In addition, I live to travel, and would love a fund to fuel my passion for seeing the world.  I’m currently drooling over pictures of South America, my next destination.  But I digress….

At the same time, the unconventional registries can have a negative connotation.  Some people question the end use of gifted funds, or think that couples who use these registries are tacky, money-grubbing, or too cheap to pay for their own honeymoon.  Personally, I would like to know that my gift actually paid for what I purchased.  Therefore, in your thank you note, mention the kayaking trip in New Zealand, the dinner in Paris, or whatever the specific gift was.  That way I would know that you didn’t just stay home and splurge on some Manolos.  Plus, I would get to live vicariously through your adventures

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What’s making you fret?  Submit it to fête-i-quette: blog@nonpareilevents.com

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“Fête-i-quette”: a hybrid of party (en français) + etiquette.  It is our fresh, light-hearted, reinvigorated, 21^st century interpretation of age-old traditions.

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I got married last year and my husband’s brother’s tacky girlfriend stole the show.  She has a hot (although, surgically enhanced) body and she wore an almost white dress that left little to the imagination.  My husband claimed not to notice, but I saw the gaping jaws and drool on the chins of male guests.  As a bride, can you tell guests what to wear, especially if they need help in the taste department?  I can’t do anything now, and I know this sounds silly, but I was hoping to be the center of attention at my own wedding.

-Eclipsed by tackiness

Dear Eclipsed by tackiness,

Are they getting married any time soon?  Maybe you can wear your wedding dress to her wedding to steal the spotlight back.  Just kidding.  Spite isn’t classy.  Besides, rest assured that you were the center of GOOD attention at your wedding.

Of course you didn’t think to tell your guests to wear more than a tissue to your wedding because 99.99% of us know better, and can properly determine what attire is appropriate, given the time of day, location, weather, etc.  Besides, you can’t really dictate what guests wear to your wedding; it’s not a themed costume party after all.  Only essential dress code requirements can be indicated on the invitation (“black tie” or “white tie” can be indicated on the on lower right corner, and only if the ceremony and reception invitations are combined).

To future brides: If you sense the potential for such a faux-pas, you can try the tactful pre-emptive approach: ask your fiancé’s brother’s tacky girlfriend if she has picked out a dress for your wedding.  When she excitedly tells you all about the sexy white number, hopefully she’ll get the message when the wave of shock and disgust washes over your face.  Depending on your relationship with her, her mental stability, and her motivation for said faux pas (malicious self absorption or general ignorance?) you can choose the appropriate path.  Would she take it well if you told her that wearing white to a wedding is in poor taste, or would the fiancé have better luck?  It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it!

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What’s making you fret?  Submit it to fête-i-quette: blog@nonpareilevents.com

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“Fête-i-quette”: a hybrid of party (en francais) + etiquette.  It is our fresh, light-hearted, reinvigorated, 21^st century interpretation of age-old traditions.

What’s making you fret?  Submit it to fête-i-quette: blog@nonpareilevents.com

Last year, my good friend got engaged, and then called off the wedding 3 months before the date.  Meanwhile, I and the other 4 best friends/bridesmaids had purchased our $300 hideous bridesmaid dresses and we were stuck with them.  Said friend then got engaged again to same guy 1 year later.  Now there is a whole new wedding party except for me, and the bride’s sister AND suddenly I have been appointed as the maid of dishonor.  Now we have new, different bridesmaid dresses, the wedding is to take place in a barn in the middle of no where, a 15 minute drive from any hotel, and there is no option for a bus, cab or shuttle from the wedding to town…disaster waiting to happen?  I think so!

AND–the bachelorette party is fully planned.  Friend was saying that it would be a small party with just 5 girls, but really it is becoming a full production of 15 random annoying girls.

AND–I have yet to see a wedding invite or save the date…and it’s a destination wedding 3 months away…and the bride just texted me for my address (I am the maid of honor and best friend, and have lived in the same place for 8 years!)  Worried for everyone else.  What can I do?!

Dear Maid of Dishonor,

Run.  FAST.  Get out while you can.  For the love of god this girl is a hot mess.

Seriously, sounds like your friend should have consulted us, but that’s a moot point now.  Your over-expenditure on two dresses seems to be the least of your worries now.  Your friend needs to get organized!

As a longtime friend, you are in the position to give her some stern advice…such as, ‘hey friend, how’s your Aunt Cassie with the hollow leg going to get home from the wedding?’  Or, maybe a little more blunt: ‘You need to send your invitations out or no one will come to your wedding’.  Common sense to the rest of us…  Good luck!

“Fête-i-quette”: a hybrid of party (en francais) + etiquette.  It is our fresh, light-hearted, reinvigorated, 21^st century interpretation of age-old traditions.

If you have to travel a long way for a wedding (fly, put yourself up, etc.), it is ever OK to skimp on or skip the gift?  I mean, the costs add up!

Dear Blue Traveler,

Yes.  Just because your friends are high rollers doesn’t mean you are too!  The bride and groom might think that they are doing you a favor by giving you the opportunity to travel to Maui…or Peoria, but they also have to understand that you are sacrificing a great deal to be there on their wedding day.  Your vacation days and your hard earned income (assuming you are one of the lucky ones to have a job in this economy) are clearly not limitless, nor is your expected financial expenditure for the sake of their union.

If the airfare and hotel room haven’t broken your bank, and you still have some cash to spare for a gift, it’s okay to opt for the coffee maker, as opposed to the Versace china place setting.  And if there is nothing reasonable on their registry that is within your means, do something small and thoughtful—e.g. customized his and her flip flops if it’s a beach destination, or a map and a compass for their Parisian honeymoon.  Above all, they should understand and appreciate that your presence is a present of the most meaningful sort.

“Fete-i-quette”: a hybrid of party (en francais) + etiquette.  It is our fresh, light-hearted, reinvigorated, 21^st century interpretation of age-old traditions.

A friend of mine rescinded the offer of bridesmaidship to a friend because she didn’t like the girl’s new haircut.  Ok, in this case the bridesmaid-to-be shaved her head and got kicked out of the wedding party.  Is this understandable or rude as hell?

Dear Blackballed for being Bald,

Let’s remember the purpose of a bridesmaid: to support the bride, be happy for her, help her to alleviate stressful moments, celebrate with her.  Along with that comes the aesthetic aspect of dressing the dictated part—the sometimes-dreaded dress, the shoes, the makeup, the hair, or in this instance the lack thereof.

As with so many other predicaments in life, it helps to examine people’s intentions, not just the action.  Could baldy have decided to shave her head to make a statement? Or maybe she was an eccentric type all along, and the bride should have been prepared for anything?  If it is an instance of the former, maybe it’s a good idea not to have baldy in the wedding party—the head-shave could just be a precursor to all sorts of wedding day shenanigans.  And perhaps there was an impending rift in their friendship that was brewing way before she busted out the clippers.  If it’s a case of the latter, know who your friends are, and choose to love them in spite of their style choices, or don’t and accept the consequences!